She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
