Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
