How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
