Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
