the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
