"it" just moved
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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