those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
