I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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