My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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