Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
