Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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