the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
wow bdsm is so cute
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
