my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
