Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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