I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
