Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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