I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
