I murdered the dance floor call the cops
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
