my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
two words: eviction party
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
