I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
