I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
