You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
