I can text with my tongue
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
