I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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