Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
