I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
