I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Randomize
