we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
