so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
And then my night got REAL pukey
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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