yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
you never un-have a 4some
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
