I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
