When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
