your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
