You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
