I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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