I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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