I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
whose parrot is this?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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