Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
