Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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