Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
