I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
