Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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