i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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