It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
