I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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