I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
