I feel like I'm in dance class right now
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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