just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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