why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
