I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
